The Age Old Dilemma

I don't know why I thought this semester was going to be easy just because I'm only carrying three classes. I've spent more hours at school this semester than last, when I carried twice the courseload. First, there was the auction. Now, we're getting ready to award this year's grants. I started my unpaid research assistant position just before the auction, and it's taking a lot of my time. And now I've also accepted a paid research assistant position with a japanese professor who is doing some comparative work. It sounds like a fascinating project, and I'm actually really excited about working in it, but man, I am busy!

Plus, it's time to start looking for a job in earnest now. I've sent out some half-hearted feelers and a couple of shot in the dark applications to places that I knew wouldn't hire me, but had no real luck so far. I have no desire to work in the large law firm setting, so I knew I'd be waiting until late in the Spring to do the bulk of my search and also that it wouldn't be easy. That doesn't make me feel any less anxious about finding work. See, the thing is: I don't just want any job. I want a job that I can be happy with. Oh, and I also want to be able to, you know, pay for my student loans at the same time as I pay rent and buy groceries. Yes, yes, I know I'm asking for the moon and the stars, but really, don't I deserve it?

To be perfectly honest, I don't want to work in a law firm at all, small OR large. I don't even really want to do something related to the law. I don't know exactly what I would like to do, though. I kind of thought that going to law school was going to solve this dilemma for me. I'd also be happy to start out with a contract position or a temp position, just to kind of get my feet wet and build my resume a little.

I have to keep reminding myself of all the reasons why I didn't accept the offer from my summer firm-- and there were good reasons for it-- so that I don't keep second guessing that decision. It was the right decision. I know that. But I'm still nervous about finding work, nervous about ending up in a job that I hate, nervous about getting locked into a field that I hate, nervous about finding myself locked out of a field that I could love.