Old Maid

I am not exactly a fan of the reality TV genre. I was living abroad when Survivor first started and never got swept up in that whole thing. I don't enjoy watching people be mean to each other or stab each other in the back. I don't like watching someone humiliate themselves. However, I did love "The Mole" when it was on, and I occasionally watch "The Amazing Race" (although usually only when they're going to a country I'm interested in).

The "Bachelor"/ "Bachelorette" series is, to me, a perfect example of what is wrong with Reality TV. People cannot possibly hope to have a relationship with each other based on the superficial mating ritual that takes place in front of the camera. And women, we do not need to be cruel to each other just to have some guy pick us over someone else. Nor do we need to whore ourselves-- quite literally (Have you no self respect??) in some cases-- to ensure that some guy doesn't choose someone else; if a guy is picking and choosing on that basis, he doesn't seem to be much of a catch to me. The world is not going to come to a crashing halt because you aren't married by 30.

So I was tickled to read in Time this week that the latest Bachelorette chose no one. Turned down every one of the bachelor boys. Apparently she is being excoriated for this on the internet. Even the New York times apparently called her "curdled" and "deranged".

What, because she refused to accept less than Mr. Right? Because she dared to say "I'm not that desperate"? Because she decided that it was better to be single than to "get engaged" (or whatever it is that happens at the end of "The Bachelorette"-- isn't there a ring involved somewhere?) to someone who just wasn't the right person for her?

What is wrong with being a single woman? Maybe I have no right to talk on this subject. After all, I am very happy with Finbar; I'm not single now, haven't been single in over eight years now, and I certainly don't plan to be single any time in the near future. But what it comes down to is this: I am a person complete in myself and so are you. If you aren't, then you shouldn't be dating anyway until you find whatever is missing in you to become a complete person in yourself.

A dear friend of mine desperately needs this advice. She's much younger than I am-- in fact, she is my youngest friend, even younger than War. When she is between boyfriends, she is an intelligent and funny person with drive and ambition to spare. When she gets seriously involved with a guy, she saves those traits for the time that she spends with him. He can do no wrong. His interests become her interests. When he's not around, she spends all of her time on IM and can't be bothered to go out with the girls or to just sit and have a good heart-to-heart. Her whole identity becomes wrapped up in being "Eric's Girlfriend" or whoever the current paramour is.

I used to write it off as immaturity; after all, she's not even finished with college yet. But instead of learning better (as I know I did) than to let your relationships define you, she's gotten worse and worse. Paradoxically, I suspect that this is partially because all of her friends are so much older than she is. Many or most of them are married or in serious relationships, settling down. It's almost like she feels like she needs the same level of intensity in her relationship as they have in theirs, but instead of letting that develop naturally, she forces it. And another part of it is because she is actually quite insecure about her abilities. She doesn't see herself as "smart" or "intellectual". And then she shoots herself in the foot because she stands around, hands in her pockets, twisting the toe of her shoe in the sand in anguish instead of pushing her way to the front of the line when her number is called.

I love her dearly, but I want to grab her, shake her by her collar and scream "WAKE UP! YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!!" And somewhere in the back of my mind, I've started to worry that by continuing in this vein, she is going to prove that she actually isn't better than that.

Maybe she should have been watching this season of "The Bachelorette". Maybe seeing a living, breathing example of a woman content to keep looking for her Mr. Right instead of taking whatever offers himself to her would drive home the point that a woman doesn't need to have a man to be complete.