Are There Speech Therapists For Machines?

Julio gave me a new answering machine for my birthday. This was a great birthday present, as my old one finally gave up the ghost after eight years of mostly dedicated service. I was not sad to see it go: it was one of the early digital recorders (look Ma, no tape!) and dropped messages quite often. It also had no capability to forward or rewind to a specific message or to pause playback (to grab a pen, for example). Plus the white plastic casing quickly became yellowed by exposure to the sun, making it look nasty. On the plus side, I paid $14.68 for it in the Target clearance section.

Anyway, Julio knew that I'd stolen Finbar's machine from his apartment (I mean, it's not like he was using it just then), so she found a cute little phone/ answering machine combo with all of the capabilities that the old one did not have.

It also has a speech impediment.

I plugged it in and let it charge "for at least twelve hours", as per the set up instructions. Then I started the set up process. This phone is a miracle of modern technology. It guides you step by step through the process of setting the time, recording the message, picking a ringtone, etc. via a series of yes/no questions and instructions to "Push Button X on the right side of the phone". As in, it tells you to do this in a semi-robotic female voice.

When I set the time, the voice told me to press the "hour" key until it reached the right hour. "Twelve a.m., one a.m., two a.m., three a.m." And then it happened:

"Foh-w p.m."

You know how a toddler says "free" instead of "three"? Well, my phone says "foh-w" instead of "four". I think this is hysterical. I kept pressing the time button to make it say "foh-w". I currently have three old messages, and I won't erase them because I want to come home and hear my machine tell me that I have "foh-w" messages.

Too bad it doesn't lisp, too.