Cool as a Cucumber

Blogging has been quite light lately because the only thing going through my head right now is

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

I am NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT ready for this. I will never be ready for it. I don't want to do it.

Perhaps, just perhaps, if I were, you know, enthusiastic about the idea of being a lawyer, I might feel more motivated to take this exam, and perhaps that motivation might crowd out some of the terror. I am not a stupid person, but I have never been good at memorization, and that's what this stupid test feels like to me: one more contest at church camp to see who can memorize the most bible verses. Any bible verses at all will do, no understanding of their meaning or message is necessary, just be able to spit them out upon command.

Wednesday night was my first real meltdown, complete with tears aplenty. Why, oh why, can't I remember anything about any single subject from one day to the next? What will I do with myself when I am unable to pass the bar because, despite understanding any individual concept when I see it in front of me, the second I have to produce it from memory, I seem to lose all ability to form coherent thought? Poor Ash kept alternating between trying to soothe me and trying to make me laugh, until he asked me mystified why I just kept crying harder. I don't know, maybe it's because if I don't cry, I might start to scream and never stop?

Next week will be better. I know it. Because frankly, if it gets worse, I will end up in an institution before the end of the month. And if there's one thing I learned in Mental Health Law Fall semester, it was that the mental health facilities in this state are HORRIBLE and that resources are severely lacking. In all seriousness, I wish I had gone to the student health center before my coverage ran out to get a prescription for Lunesta or something because I haven't slept well in weeks and will be propping my eyelids open with toothpicks by the time the actual exam rolls around (IN 25 DAYS!!). Or maybe Valium, because the anxiety makes it hard to think.

I keep thinking about the people I know who failed the bar the first time around, and I know another person who still hasn't passed it after multiple attempts. All of them are doing just fine, and they've managed to find work and everything, so logically, I know that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I fail. But to be honest, what makes me sickest of all when I think of failing the bar is the idea of taking it again. I don't know if I can handle this kind of stress again. And I can't imagine how much higher the pressure would be.

Reading back through this post just now, I realize how very un-law student like it is. We all spend so much time trying to pretend that our grades are awesome, our lives are awesome, none of this stress bothers us, of course not! But I cannot possibly be the only person who feels this way. Why do I feel a little bit ashamed of it? Is it just because of the idea that it shows a vulnerability? Or is it because we've all expended so much of our time and energy jostling for position in law school that I feel anxious at the idea of being judged by my peers? I know that this happens, and we've all seen it, and mostly likely participated in it: the results are released and the gossip starts. Who passed? Who didn't? Your friends and the thoughtful contingent-- rare though they often seem to be-- will not think less of you if you should fail the bar. Some of them will be in the same boat with you. As for the rest of them, why should we care what the sociopaths and the mean, bitter element think? Some of the rest of them will end up in that boat, hopefully shutting their pieholes for a little while. And look, there it is: I'm wishing ill on certain people. Why? Do I feel the need to add bad karma to my bad memory? Am I just a bad person? Am I just even crankier than normal because of the stress and the lack of sleep?

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

25 more days... and 27 days from now, I can sleep for days and hide the stupid bar books in a closet until the results come out. I should start stockpiling the vodka now.