How Not to Behave When You Call Your Attorney

Call the office of your immigration attorney. When someone answers the phone, don’t speak. Then, when the person who answered the phone waits for you to answer their greeting, impatiently yell “Hello?” into the phone. Mumble your name. When asked to repeat it, get offended. Say your ten syllable name as quickly as possible. When asked to spell it, get very angry that the person on the phone has the audacity to not be familiar with your ten syllable Pakistani/Polish/Kenyan name. When the person asks what your call is regarding, answer “My immigration case” or “I am a client”. If the person to whom you would like to speak with is not immediately available to talk to you because he/she is on another phone line/ meeting with another client/ at lunch/ in the bathroom/ in court, get very angry. Demand to know the exact moment when the person will be poised to take your call. When the person who answered the phone-- and have I mentioned that the people who answer the phones in our office are the people who will do the actual work on your case?-- is unable to predict the future, reluctantly leave a number. Be sure to mumble this and get offended when the person taking the message reads it back and gets one or more of the numbers wrong. End the conversation by doubtfully saying “You will give Person X my message, right?” as though the message-taker is actually an escapee from a halfway house for mentally deficient pre-schoolers.