Self-Awareness

One of my coworkers was on vacation last week, and it was significantly quieter while she was gone. The good kind of quieter. And by "significantly quieter", I mean "to the point where nearly every other person in our little section of the cube farm remarked on it".

Monday, she came back from vacation. Sick. And so, not only are did the noise level return to the pre-vacation level of high, but our days are now punctuated by frequent nose blowing. No, not "blowing". Honking. Old-man-in-a-white-handkerchief, shake-the-window-panes, set-off-a-car-alarm honking. All. Day. Long.

I want to scream.

It's not so much that I think that one must silently wipe one's nose such that no one could be audibly aware of your mucus output. But there is NO FREAKING NEED for that kind of thing in the office.

Then, yesterday, she asked another coworker to make a follow up call to a customer, because "[she's] sick, and [she's] not sure that she should be calling customers while [she's] sick". Making these phone calls is, of course, one of her major job duties. And -- of course!-- she's not too sick to have long, loud conversations on her cell phone with her family.

Today, following another round of "Holy Cow, Is that the Last Trump I Hear?", she announced, "Boy, I bet you wish you all wish I had stayed on vacation, huh?"

Nope. Not quite! What we really wish is that you would utilize some of the generous sick leave benefits our company gives to each and every one of us and STAY HOME if you're this sick. Barring that, could you try and blow your nose in a manner befitting someone who works in a cubicle farm with lots of other people.

Cubicle Disaster Relief Directors

Thankfully, since the office reconfiguration last year, I haven't seen-- or HEARD-- much of Ethel and Myrtle, other than the inevitable lunchroom run-ins with Ethel, who still seems to believe that the kitchen is actually there for her use, and the rest of us are using it only at her benevolent discretion. However, I did overhear this gem of a conversation while waiting for my leftovers to heat up:

Ethel: "Look at Mississippi. They aren't whining and complaining."

Myrtle: "Well, New Orleans took the brunt of it."*

Ethel: "Oh, no, Mississippi took the brunt."

Myrtle: "Well, the levees broke. That was the biggest problem."

Ethel: "No, the problem was that they had fifteen hundred school busses sitting there and you never even turned them on. You're gonna blame the federal government for that?!"


* I have no idea why they were talking about Hurricane Katrina. Maybe one of them saw something on TV?

Look, It's Not Personal, It's Just Business

One of the less pleasant things that I do in my job is to review customer requests for termination of their contracts. If the customer's agreement does not provide for an early termination, they are stuck until the end of their term. We don't generally let people cancel their contracts just because they change their minds or are having financial trouble. This is usually not something that the customer wants to hear, and sometimes they get quite upset. Occasionally, they even get a little huffy and rude, but the guy I talked to the other day really took the cake.

Unlike many of these requests, this guy didn't claim that he had the right to terminate. In fact, he admitted right at the outset that he did not have any right to terminate, but said that he was hoping we would offer him some sort of a settlement so that he could pay and be done with the contract. This is also something that we don't usually do, but sometimes we will offer a settlement based on the net present value of the remaining contract term, if the circumstances warrant. So I went out and got the approvals from our finance people, and I called the guy back to negotiate. As soon as I mentioned my opening figure, he got extremely angry. There was much bluster about how he'd been our customer for 39 years (odd, given that we'd pulled a credit report on the company and it was founded in the late 1980s) and he just can't believe that we do business that way-- because apparently in this guy's vast experience as a businessman lo these 39 years, insisting that people fulfill their contractual obligations just isn't done?

I explained to him again that he doesn't actually have the right to end his contract early, and asked him if he had a counteroffer. After yelling for a bit about how I never asked him that (ummmmm... I'm pretty sure I just did), he came back with a figure that would essentially amount to me letting him out of more than half the remaining term of his contract, so I advised him that such an amount was not even in the ballpark of what we were willing to consider. This set off a wave of increasingly belligerent "questions" along the lines of "Well, don't you feel bad doing this to me?" and (this one's an actual quote) "Is your conscience going to let you sleep tonight?"

Let's all take a moment to recall that we are not talking about me denying him a kidney transplant, or foreclosing on his house, or even repossessing his car. We're talking about my refusal to allow him to break a business contract that he entered into knowingly (and I was actually talking to the person who signed the contract, so it's not like he inherited someone else's bad decision or anything)-- and also that the total dollar amount of the remaining contract term is in the very low five figures. My car cost more than the amount that this guy was getting so angry over.

When I didn't break down in tears, apologizing for my lack of understanding for his feelings and offer to let him out right away, he threatened to "call [his] attorney". I guess he thought that would scare me into doing his will, but honestly, even if it weren't true that I, myself, am an attorney, he should have realized that a big company like mine has a whole stable of lawyers. My calm reply of "That's fine. If he has any questions, or if he needs me to forward him a copy of your agreement to review, please have him call me, and I'll be glad to provide him with the information he needs" was apparently not the response he wanted either, because he really started to lose his cool, and said to me "Well, if I treated people the way you're treating me, welllll... you'd just better get down on your knees and pray to Jesus for forgiveness."

Seriously? Are you kidding me?

One of my colleagues recently had a conversation that went something like this:

"I've reviewed your agreement with us, and paragraph 12 states that you cannot terminate for any reason during the initial five year term. You still have four years remaining in that initial term, so the earliest date that you will be able to terminate this contract is January 2012."

"Says you!"

Says you?? I would have been too flabbergasted for words. Ann, however, very dryly responded, "No, says paragraph 12 of your agreement."

Other customers have screamed and yelled about how their business is already failing and I should have more sympathy. I would dearly love to reply to these customers "I'm very sorry to hear that your business is failing. However, the fact that you have made some bad business decisions doesn't mean that I should make them. My company is doing very well because we don't make decisions based on feeling sorry for someone. Please explain to me how it would be a good business decision for my company if I to allow you to back out of your obligation to us. What's in it for my company if you get to break your contract just because you don't want to pay for it anymore? NOTHING. Which means that it would be a bad decision on my part. And I don't want my business to fail, so I'm trying to avoid making bad decisions wherever possible." However, in the interest of keeping my job, I usually have to be satisfied with saying things about "obligations" and "I need to make the best decision for My Company here, and I'm afraid that means we are not going to allow you to break your contract early." This may be professional, but it is not satisfactory.

I wish that I could skip this part of the job and deal strictly with document drafting, negotiating new contracts, and helping to develop the new training program.

Geography According to Ethel and Myrtle

Cleaning out my draft folder and found this little blast from the past: Travels in Europe with Ethel and Myrtle!

******************************

They're yapping about how beautiful, Prague, Czechoslovakia is (and every time they refer to that particular place, they say it exactly like that: Pragueczechoslovakia), and planning their trip to Czechoslovakia. Should I tell them that they're over a decade too late?

Oh, and everyone in Munich is short, chubby and blonde. It's all I can do to keep from yelling over the wall that those are the American tourists.

*******************

I am so very glad that I no longer have to listen to their inane chatter all day long.

Civility Is Dead

This was in an email correspondence that I was forwarded. The writer is one of the lawyers in our legal department. The recipient? An area director, who had the temerity to suggest that we accept a customer’s paper, when we’ve accepted this customer’s paper on more than one occasion in the past.

"Did you read the attached form agreement? While it may be "kinder and friendlier" (whatever that means), it is also "extremely lacking" when it comes to key terms and basic requirements of Our Company. And although we may have signed these things before, we are certainly not in the practice of signing such forms now--we are much more mature, and our policies, process and requirements are much more refined."

Well, then. Wonder why people have the impression that lawyers are arrogant jerks?

Just What I Always Wanted!

Guess what I got in the white elephant exchange at work today.

No, really, go ahead! Guess!

Dilbert Principle In Action

The sign on the refrigerator door reads "Ice machine broken". One of our department heads walks up to the refrigerator, reads the sign, thinks about it for a second and puts her cup under the dispenser, pressing the lever, which produces nothing more than a weary grinding noise. She stops... then tries again... and again... and again...

Memo to My Boss

To: Angela
From: Katze
Re: Your speakerphone

________________________________________________

We value the loose and collegial atmosphere in our department and realize that your very sincere open door policy is partly responsible for that. You are very approachable for a Department Head. From the very bottom of our work hearts, thank you for that. However, your use of the speakerphone is becoming problematic, and we need to address that.

It is patently unfair that you did not get a "real" office when the floor was reconfigured. I don't know what they were thinking. The wall that stops three feet from the ceiling and the little sliding door are not an entirely effective acoustic barrier, especially given the fact that you long ago mastered the art of projecting your voice and ennunciating clearly. Still, they do help somewhat, and as such, we respectfully ask that you start using them. No one will take it as a sign that you are revoking the open door policy, and if anyone from outside the team approaches and seems to be hesitant, the two of us who sit directly in front of your walled-off alcove will be sure to set them straight. In fact, they are already used to asking us for updates on your whereabouts and your expected ETA from whatever meeting you happen to be in at that point in time, so they'll probably just flat out ask us.

But what would really, really help us to be able to concentrate on our work and have our own phone conversations with customers is this: stop using your speakerphone. There is really no reason why you can't just pick up the receiver and hold it to your ear like the rest of us do. Also, if you must hold a conference call, thereby necessitating the use of the speakerphone, please, please try to book one of the conference rooms.

The two of us who sit right next to your alcove bear the brunt of the auditory onslaught, but we have heard from the people in the next row over that they, too, are disturbed by the noise levels. We know you are capable of doing this for us, since you manage to shut your door and lower your voice when you are dealing with personal matters (though obviously, this is imperfect, since the two of us sitting right next to you know that you're discussing personal matters. However, we are willing to do our part and turn up the volume on the discman/ipod/internet radio station so that we're not eavesdropping on you. We're happy to expand this to all conversations and as people who work in the noisy cubicle environment, we also employ the "willful deafness" necessary to surviving the work day. All we ask of you is that you meet us halfway.

Thanks so much for your attention to this important matter!

Anyone Here Speak Binary?

On Friday, I reviewed a contract that contained the phrase: "the date of commencement shall be 01101101". After a quick chuckle and flash back to the special enrichment classes I attended in elementary school, I thought I'd be able to figure out whether the first "0" or one of the first two "1"s was extraneous by context. Haha! The contact was signed on Oct 26, 2000, and standard practice in our industry would allow either Nov. 1 or Jan 1. to make perfect sense as the commencement date. Gah.

Remember, Only YOU Can Prevent Mulch Fires

Several "reminders" in increasingly stern language have been sent to the entire company over the past few weeks, asking people to smoke only in the designated smoking area, and to dispose of their butts in the provided receptacles. One of the more recent ones even asked all managers to make sure that any temps were shown the smoking areas, just to ensure that they understood where, exactly,the back lobby doors are located. Apparently, this is a very difficult concepts for the smokers in our building, because today, the following email was sent to the entire company:

"Mulch acts as kindling when cigarette butts are tossed into shrub beds and it is therefore imperative that cigarettes are distinguished in the cigarette repositories directly outside of the back lobby doors. Last summer, [another building in the office complex]'s front flower bed caught fire and was completely destroyed due to a cigarette thrown in the bed. A mulch fire was just extinguished today at yet another building [in this office complex] for the same reason.

As a reminder, the only location designated for smokers on the My Company property is outside the back lobby doors."

People Are Funny

A slice of my life: One of the duties that I'm temporarily handling until a permanent person is hired to take it over is helping with the small business accounts we recently acquired. That means handling everything from a request for a W-9, to billing disputes, to handling a request for a settlement on the account for a company that's about to fold. I got a call from a woman who wanted us to send her something in writing explaining the relationship between My Company and New Subsidiary. I asked her if she'd received the "Welcome Letter", which was sent to all of New Subsidiary's customers prior to the acquisition and detailed the changes. Yes, she told me, but she needed something more. I hadn't actually seen this letter myself, so I pulled it and read it. Right there in paragraph two, an explanation was given, explicitly stating the relationship between My Company and New Subsidiary. I couldn't imagine why it wouldn't suffice. So I saved a new copy of it and renamed it "MyCompany-New Subsidiary". Then I emailed it to her with a sweet little note, asking her if something like this was what she had in mind.

A few minutes later, the reply popped up in my inbox:

"Katze,

Yes, that's perfect. Thank you so much for your help!"

Cubicle Physics

Ethel, one of the loud ladies, mused aloud to Myrtle, the other:

"Well, the light barrier hasn't been broken yet. The sound barrier, yes, but not the light barrier."

A thoughtful pause...

"Of course, if you broke the light barrier, you'd just disappear."

So Much For Putting Those Counterfeit Krugerrands To Use

A document I reviewed today included a clause specifying that the fees contemplated in the contract are "$X payable in lawful money of the United States of America". I immediately had a mental image of some company lawyer insisting that this clause be included because "The last time, the jerks tried to pay in Confederate dollars. Better just close the loophole this time."

I think my imagination is getting away from me.

Life in Cubicleland

I started my new (temporary) legal-y job today, and it didn't take long for me to remember exactly why life in cubicleland sucks so very much. In the eight or so years since I last worked in a cubicle, I've apparently lost the critical ability to block out the sounds of the people around me. My neighbor entertained me most of the morning and into the afternoon.

10:30-- She picked up the phone and called someone, starting the conversation with "Hi! I just needed to talk to you about two things real quick." She then mentioned the two things, and then launched into a very long monologue about diets, the diet that she's on, the woes of being fat, how she's getting too old to keep dieting, how much she hates not being able to eat whatever she wants, and how she's certain that the reason she gained the weight back after her last diet was because she didn't ease back into eating "normal people food".

11:00-- The phone rings, she answers, and listens for a minute before launching into what has turned into a much more... engaging topic. "How much? Well, hang on." (Much rustling in a bag.) "Well, I've got my Advair right here, and it says 100/50 on it. I think your dosage is too high." (More rustling.) "Listen to this." (Starts reading aloud from the package insert, pausing every 30 or 40 seconds to inform the listener(s) that she "can't read that word".) "I think you're taking too high a dosage. You should call the doctor. Ask him about it. You're probably taking too high a dosage. I'd make sure to call the doctor and ask him if you're taking too high a dosage." Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually, she hung up, but that didn't end the topic, oh no! For the rest of the day, I was treated to a repeat, including several additional read-throughs of the package insert as she told everyone about how she was sure that her sister was on too high a dosage of Advair.

Tomorrow, I am totally going to remember to bring my mp3 player.

Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!

Verbatim (with identifying details omitted) from a posting for a part time job:

Yes this is the same company, posting the same job again.I see why the women I hired were looking for a job in the first place.
I need a woman to be my secretary and personal assistant. We are a small electrical contractor. You would be responsible for re-organizing our office to your taste, help make us more efficient, pay our bills, balance checking accounts, filing, faxing, expenses, data entry, determine total job costs on jobs we finish, opening and dealing with all mail, keeping office clean, helping occasionally with bids due, you handle all my personal bills as well, calling in our payroll, feeding the office cats when I am out of town, like I said, it is a secretary/perosnal assistant position.
Computer skills are a must, previous office experience a bonus, especially if it is with a construction company of any type.
If you have a new born baby you want to bring to work with its play pen, don't bother, if you have a jealous boyfriend who will get upset and make you quit if I take you to lunch with me instead of leaving you sit in the office by yourself, don't apply, if you do not have use of all 10 fingers, keep browsing, if you think you are going to steal from me, think again, if you are going to have a different excuse why you need to leave early every single day, lose this add, if you are going to be out drinking until 4 am and need 2 days to recover when I really need you, then get a job at a bar, if you are not going to show up for work, then avoid my calls, good luck keeping your next job, if you live 50 miles away, find something closer to your home.
I know I sound like a bitter old man, that is not the case, I am in my 30's, and I am just tired of people wasting my time. I am trying to run a business, not waste time with unreliable, irresponsible people, I am not a baby sitter. This is a very casual job, my office is my living room, you dress how ever you want, you can have the TV on while you work as long as you work, the hours are flexible, you have 2 cats to keep you company, I am very easy to get along with, I am just tired of women costing me time from the work I need to do with their lies, and lack of responsibility.
The job is typically Mon-Wed-Fri 8:30-4, but it is best at first that it be 5 days a week until you get settled in. These times are flexible to a point. An outgoing personality is a plus, because somedays I will be in the office with you all day, and I am a talker, other times you will not see me all week.
Please send me a resume of any type, either by email or faxing to 555-WAR-NING and then please call me afterwards at my office- the number is also 555-BIG-JERK or my cell at 555-DONT-DOIT. Thank you- ProblemBoss

Let's play Spot the Warning Signs, shall we?

1. "I see why the women I hired were looking for a job in the first place."

He's already run through multiple women for this position. Also, the first of many instances to come where he places the blame entirely on the other person/ people.

2. "You would be responsible for re-organizing our office to your taste, help make us more efficient, pay our bills, balance checking accounts, filing, faxing, expenses, data entry, determine total job costs on jobs we finish, opening and dealing with all mail, keeping office clean, helping occasionally with bids due, you handle all my personal bills as well, calling in our payroll, feeding the office cats when I am out of town, like I said, it is a secretary/perosnal assistant position."

In other words, you are his bitch. Now, that in and of itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, and is-- to a certain extent-- what a personal assistant does. However, he expects you to run his whole life on a part time basis:

"The job is typically Mon-Wed-Fri 8:30-4, but it is best at first that it be 5 days a week until you get settled in. These times are flexible to a point."

2. a) Also, please note that the lucky applicant will be working in this man's home:

"my office is my living room"

I think it's not an unreasonable prediction that "keep the office clean" will actually mean "be my maid"

3. "if you have a jealous boyfriend who will get upset and make you quit if I take you to lunch with me instead of leaving you sit in the office by yourself, don't apply"

What if your secretary/personal assistant doesn't WANT to eat lunch with you?

My guess, based on the combination of the comment above, plus this: "somedays I will be in the office with you all day, and I am a talker,", plus my own experience? This man a) is very needy, b) will expect you to be his friend, his mother, and his admirer, as well as to stroke his ego contantly, c) is a sexual harrassment suit waiting to happen.

4. "if you do not have use of all 10 fingers, keep browsing".

Hello, violation of the ADA! (Though I suspect this company may be too small to fall under the Act.)

5. "if you are going to have a different excuse why you need to leave early every single day, lose this add,"

Spelling and punctuation matter!

Also, I would bet that this guy considers leaving at the time your shift ends to be "leaving early". After all, your job-- and his needs!-- should be so important to you that you will be willing to work as many hours as he thinks are necessary on any given day. Then, when you try to collect the pay you deserve, he'll claim that he only agreed to pay you for an eight hour day. So you'll resolve to walk out the door the minute your paid work day ends and he'll fire you for "having a different excuse why you need to leave early every single day."

6."if you are going to be out drinking until 4 am and need 2 days to recover when I really need you, then get a job at a bar"

Now, again, I have nothing to base this on but my intuition, but I'd bet the real story goes something like "I called at 11 p.m. on Friday and again at 6 a.m. on Saturday and how dare she have a life outside of my needs and whims!"

7. "if you are not going to show up for work, then avoid my calls, good luck keeping your next job"

Hmmm... I wonder if the woman finally just couldn't take your needy crap anymore and quit? And then you made abusive and harrassing calls until she had to start screening you out via caller id?

8. "you have 2 cats to keep you company,"

I bet the place reeks of cat urine and is covered in cat fur. Oh, and part of "keep the office clean" is guaranteed to mean "clean the litterbox because I can't be bothered".

9. "I am not a baby sitter"

Translation: "I will not train you. You are expected to read my mind and learn everything there is to know about my industry and my company by osmosis or to simply have been born with the knowledge."

10. "I am very easy to get along with, I am just tired of women costing me time from the work I need to do with their lies, and lack of responsibility."

Again, he places the blame squarely on the other people. And the fact that he harps on the secretary being female all of the time makes me suspect that he's also a misogynist or at least a chauvinist who thinks that women belong in such subordinate roles. Also? Women are liars. And irresponsible.

I mean, he's so easy to get along with! Such a fun guy! Hey, let me hit you with a clue by four: if every woman you hire "cost[s] [you] time from the work [you] need to do", maybe the problem is YOU!

Also? Anyone who needs to specify in their employment ad that they are easy to get along with, isn't. At least 90% of the time. BTW, kids, this is a great tip for personal ads and roommate interviews!

11. "An outgoing personality is a plus, because somedays I will be in the office with you all day, and I am a talker, other times you will not see me all week."

Translation?

" You will never be able to find me when you need me. If there is a problem on the job site, or an angry creditor calls because I don't take care of my payables, my cell phone will mysteriously lose its signal. However, if you are busy, I will suddenly be in the office all day. You will never get any work done when I am there because I will never shut up and your day will be taken up with pretending to marvel over how awesome I am. I will probably tell stories that are inappropriate for the workplace, and if you object or complain, then you will be fired for not having an "outgoing personality". Also, when you haven't accomplished the 50 hours worth of work I want done in the 20 or so hours I'm willing to pay for, I will yell at you and eventually fire you for being "lazy"."

I would love, love to hear the other side of this story. I bet the tales his previous secretaries/ personal assistants would tell are illuminating to say the least.